My Father, My Hero

I was drafting a post several weeks ago just to say how long it's been since I've posted something. That was abruptly interrupted on February 17, with the passing of my father. At 35 years old, I've had my ups and downs in life; but, this was surely an event of a different magnitude. On a family vacation in Mammoth, CA, my dad would not return with us.

In her memorial speech, my sister said there aren't enough words to encompass my father, and she's absolutely right. At the same time, I often find myself without any words. To communicate what he meant - not only myself, but my mother and my sister and all that knew him - is impossible to condense into one post. When I think about the reality of my Dad not being in my life anymore, well I can't - I don't want to.

I get it, I'm not the first to experience this. It's not fair. So much in life is not fair. And so many others grieve as I am now. I can recognize and try to put this in perspective, but that doesn't change my heart. Not yet, anyway. These words are raw, but for me, it is part of the process if I'm to move on. This has tested (and is testing) my faith to the core. I believe in a sovereign God, and I choose to follow in the way of Jesus. But, if I'm honest I wake up questioning EVERYTHING. You're saying my father had nothing left to contribute? What about my mom? What about his grandkids? What about everything he still needed to teach us? What about everything I still need to say to him? And why the hell is there suddenly so much I want to say?

For what it's worth, I'll honor my father with some things I still want to say to him. You better be listening, Dad.

How did you keep your temper when raising us? It's so hard with Silas.
I need some help setting up the wiring in my new place. When do you have time?
Let's make a run to the dump.
Have I ever mentioned how much I disagree with your politics? Haha, maybe we can have a civil conversation some time.
What's your next project? Need help?
When's your next class?
Any trips coming up?
The Lakers still suck, but they look promising. Let's watch a game.
Can you explain gravitational waves to me again?
The koi pond is looking a little dirty. Maybe you should clean it up.
We still going to Lawry's for your birthday?

And so much more. I can (and do) put on a face at work, out in public, and even with family. Inside, I'm shredded. It hurts. It sucks that it takes his death to fully realize how much he meant to me and how much I could really talk to him right now. Scrolling though my photos, I wish I would've taken more with him.

"At other times it [grief] feels like being mildly drunk, or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps, hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting."

C.S. Lewis

I sincerely hope that one day I'll be able to appreciate the memories we've shared the past 35 years. Dad deserves that. I also hope I'll come to accept so many of the well wishes, condolences, blessings and apologies my family and I have received these past few weeks. Don't get me wrong, they're much appreciated. But right now, they just go right through me. Nothing sticks. To hear them would mean to accept his death. I'm not ready for that.

So I'm left with a reality I don't want to accept. A man, a father, whom I love and who loves me. There are a few things I can say with authenticity. I'll always remember you. I already miss you so much. There are so many questions I want answers to, but none will bring you back. I may not have known it until now, but you were truly my hero - not perfect, but exactly whom I needed in my life. That much is clear now.