Picking Up Again

I've started many drafts to post over the past couple months. None have actually made it. I've told my therapist words are hard to come by; in part, because I'm not sure how I feel, or how I'm supposed to feel. I've yet to really look through old photos of my dad because the memories still hurt too much.

In the wake of Anthony Bourdain's death, hearing responses from others evoked emotions from the weeks after my own father's death.

Im so angry this morning. Life is f*cking hard and crazy and Tony I love you. Im wearing your boots that I never wore because they were yours, and going to work. Everyone should hug some extra people today. My heart is heavy.
~ Andrew Zimmern via Instagram

These words resonate deeply. Unexpected loss sucks. A few months go by, some things I've reconciled, some things still suck, I have good days, bad days, maybe I see some light at the end of the tunnel. Then Father's Day comes along.

I miss him all over again. How can I honor him today? I tried thinking of so many things I could do, like visit a special place, eat a special meal, take a special photo...I don't know, but it had to be good. It had to be right. Really, I didn't want to let him down. But, for the life of me nothing I thought of was good enough.

As with most things, my wife was able to help work through what was at the core of my thoughts. She simply asked why I felt like I had to do something. What if doing nothing was just as meaningful? That sounded so silly, but thinking about it more I thought about something my therapist said to me during our first session. That is, the act of mourning is the greatest honor of all.

So today, I will do just that. I will mourn. I will remember. I will think deeply of my father today. I will feel all the emotions that come with it. Dad, you deserve that. Maybe I'll even peek at a photo or two.

Happy Father's Day.